Protesters occupied a six-block area of downtown Liberalville last night, naming it the Liberalville Autonomous Zone, or LAZY for short. (Note: Members were unable to think of a word that began with Y.)
In what appears to be a spontaneous seizure, LAZY residents descended on an open parking lot where Liberalville police stored municipal trash cans away from the path of a planned “Trash the City” protest march scheduled two days later. Protest organizers promised the demonstration would be peaceful, explaining that the “Trash” moniker implied “verbal criticisms,” not rioting or looting. Mayor Assisi, who interpreted the previous “Window Shopping Tour” protest to imply touring, not looting, decided to play it safe this time.
LAZY members seized the displaced trash cans, rolled them through the streets, and used them to erect an immigration barrier around the Autonomous Zone. The members then defended its borders using an unusual, but highly successful, military tactic.
Whenever a group of police and municipal workers approached the border, a gaggle of LAZY inhabitants would swarm the area and yell a single word: “RACIST,” leading to an immediate retreat by police and municipal workers. Live broadcasts of crowds screaming “racist” at retreating police provided highly desired video footage for the protesters and high ratings for local tv broadcasters.
A LAZY resident told NewsSkunk that occupiers lifted the one-word defense strategy from the Knights Who Say “Ni!” scene in the movie Monty Python and The Holy Grail. In one scene, the knights paralyze their foes by simply saying, “Ni!” LAZY members utilized this exact tactic when Mayor Assisi tried talking them into abandoning the occupation. When members began taunting Assisi with verbal assaults of “Ni!”, he misinterpreted and kneeled, providing another visual victory for the movement. This humiliation was quickly followed by another when Assisi left and returned carrying a shrubbery.
Assisi tried to reason with the leader-less mob, warning them it was illegal to occupy a section of the city and declare independence from Liberalville. Assisi seemed perplexed when told that LAZY was not declaring its independence, but rather its dependence, on Liberalville.
The crowd shouted an ever-growing list of commands, a list Assisi had trouble transcribing in time. A compliant Assisi agreed to provide food, brand-specific condiments, sanitation, replacement barriers, a makeshift radio station, and other items. He initially refused to supply ample marijuana for the crowd but relented when they changed the demand to medical marijuana. Assisi winced when asked but agreed to bring another shrubbery. Assisi caved on nearly every demand over the objections of his police chief, who strongly suggested that all they had to do is cut cellular service to the area. He guaranteed the entire group would disband in eleven minutes, which he estimated is the longest most of them could survive without a functional smartphone. Assisi thought about the suggestion for a few seconds, almost agreed, but changed his mind, fired the police chief, and called him a racist for even suggesting the idea.
Meanwhile, the Liberalville Autonomous Zone began to take on the appearance of a street festival, with live music, dancing, chanting, pot smoking, pop-up retail tents, camping tents, and young men pursuing young women. The Zone was also marred by graffiti, litter, armed gang members, human feces, and the stench of urine, but these conditions all existed before the seizure. Assisi needed a solution to defuse the occupation before it took root.
At noontime today, Assisi arrived back at LAZY brandishing a megaphone. He announced, “I agree to meet your demands. I will defund the police and empty the prisons. I am here to announce that by tonight all convicted rapists and murderers will be released– (the crowd breaks into a loud cheer) – inside your police-free Zone.” The cheering stopped.
Occupiers abandoned the Liberalville Autonomous Zone a few hours later.
