Tragedy struck yesterday when a flag burning protest at Liberalville University spread across the University grounds. University officials report that the fire led to several injuries and significant property damage. Separately, students told NewsSkunk of rumors that there are dozens of additional students suffering from self-diagnosed, post-traumatic stress disorder.
The incident originated after Political Science students were given a class assignment to develop poverty mitigation strategies. They were told to accomplish this by burning American flags. According to contemporaneous statements on social media gathered by campus police, many of the students expressed reservations about the American flag burning assignment, mostly due to their inexperience with real live fire. In one example, a freshman asked his Facebook followers if they knew where he could buy a fire. When one senior student received several inquiries about microwaving flags, he tweeted that he and his buddies would create a flag burning bonfire that other students were welcome to participate in. According to the police report, many students welcomed the assistance, and several tweeted back they would bring S’mores.
Depending on perspectives, the carefully planned location of the bonfire turned out to be non-optimal. Bonfire leaders had chosen a spot on the University quad approximately 50 yards from the Sigma Kappa sorority house. The location was subject to wind gusts and away from easily accessible fire hydrants. A bonfire attendee told NewsSkunk the location was selected “to entice hot chicks from Sigma Kappa to attend.” Bonfire organizers did not count on the highly visible demonstration attracting non-PoliSci students who brought their own flammable flags and hoped to meet Sigma Kappa sorority sisters. Bonfire organizers told police that they severely underestimated the inventory of flammable American flags on Liberalville University’s virtually American flag-free campus.
Ironically, the bonfire almost did not happen, as the students had trouble igniting the fire. No one had matches as cigarettes had been banned on campus, and efforts to light the fire using the collective shining of cellphones on the tinder was not productive. Eventually, one student recalled his father had mistakenly packed lighter fluid and matches in a box of items sent from home. The student was returning to the protest after retrieving the lighter fluid when he was momentarily detained by police and then released. The seniors arrived, doused a few dozen flags with the lighter fluid, and the bonfire commenced.
It was just a few minutes later that flames were shooting 20-25 feet in the air. Suddenly, a sustained wind gust emerged and blew burning flag debris in multiple directions. The grounds of the quad, parched from a three-week lack of rain, caught fire in several areas and began spreading like, well, wildfire, powered by the winds.
Horror struck students as one brush fire started heading in the direction of one of the many Liberalville University safe spaces, an approximate 2,000 square foot area cordoned off by orange cones. There were approximately two dozen students seeking shelter in makeshift teepees, where they sought protection from institutional racism, sexism, homophobia, and tuition bill collectors. While they had ample time to vacate the area to one not in the direct path of the fire, they sat paralyzed as the fire approached. (“like ducks in an oil slick,” according to the police report.) Luckily, players from the football team who were returning from practice saw what was happening and saved the students. Some students did suffer minor burns, attributed to time lost while the football players debated the benefit of taking action.
Less horrible was when the fire buttressed up against the Sigma Kappa sorority house. Huge plumes of black smoke wafted in through the windows, leading to a mass exodus of panicked sorority sisters running into the quad area, some fully clothed, some not, many screaming, “CARBON! CARBON!” on their way out of the building.
According to the report, the unfortunate incident was nearly averted when the policeman detained the student possessing the lighter fluid. The student was let go after he explained to the officer that he would not be burning charcoal, which is not permitted on campus, but the American flag, which is.
