A NewsSkunk informant reports receiving an anonymous text message offering to sell a bootlegged copy of the Biden Basement Tapes. Purportedly, The Tapes are recordings of selected conversations presumed Democrat presidential nominee Joe Biden conducted during 80 days of consecutive, advisor-imposed, corona-virus-like quarantine, a time when the subterranean Biden was quarantining himself from the dangers of scrutiny. NewsSkunk has not heard the Tapes and cannot verify their existence or authenticity.
The original Basement Tapes consisted of dozens of songs casually recorded by Bob Dylan and The Band in a basement in Woodstock, New York during the late 1960s. When a copy of some of the songs was illegally copied and traded among fans, it launched what became known within music circles as the “bootleg” industry. According to a Democrat insider contacted by NewsSkunk, the possible circulation of the Biden Basement Tapes could catalyze a newer industry of bootlegging Biden gaffes, one that could rival the already sizable industry of Biden gaffe compilation videos found on YouTube.
According to the informant who spoke with the source of the text, the Tapes include a treasure trove of Biden material with enough variety to satisfy the gamut of casual Biden gaffe enthusiasts to hardcore Biden gaffe aficionados.
One disk is devoted solely to telemarketing calls, many where the typically polite Biden has difficulty terminating calls with aggressive agents. Over the 84-day quarantine period, a sometimes-forgetful Biden buys extended warranties for his car several times. There are several calls where a more combative Biden is arguing about Medicare Supplemental Insurance rates, seemingly unaware that he is debating a computer robot using artificial intelligence to respond to his prompts with canned responses. Biden often sounds gleeful when punching answers to automated political polling surveys, except for occasional outbursts of “Oh, Gee” or profanities when he reacts as if he pushed the wrong buttons. The ex-VP has difficulty understanding the voices of Indian telemarketers but politely offers to call back with an interpreter the next time he is at a Dunkin Donuts or 7-11.
The normally gregarious Biden does get heated on one call where he and his handlers discuss damage control from a comment he made that African-American voters “ain’t black” if they vote for Donald Trump over him. His handlers want Biden to apologize, but Biden is insistent that he said nothing wrong. At one point, he recommends a “diversity” strategy to dilute the racial stigma by using variations of the statement at future non-black campaign rallies, telling senior citizens they are not really old, lesbians that they are not really female, and Muslims that they are infidels if they don’t vote for him. This suggestion, like most Biden suggestions, is shut down by former Obama associates.
One conversation that is likely to generate interest is a call from Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. After ten minutes of what you might expect a call from a granddaughter checking in on her grandfather would sound like, Biden mentions that he has not been outside in over 80 days, and the lack of Vitamin D may be affecting him. Cortez seems to seize the moment and tells Biden that the earth’s climate has changed dramatically during that time period. The call goes on for about another half-hour, concluding with Cortez appointed to lead his Climate Change Task Force. “Your first task will be to change the climate,” Biden coos. The 30-year-old Cortez replies with confidence, “I will.”
According to the bootlegger, some of the funniest non-political material consists of Biden with technical support reps from Zoom. It gets hard to tell who is more frustrated. On one call, Biden keeps hearing the wrong information because of background noise. He asks tech support to wait so he can turn off his phonograph. After they tell Biden to write down his password, he makes them wait while he changes the ribbon on his typewriter. Then they have to wait while he tells the people upstairs to stop walking so loud. Then he cannot hear over the geese. Then a third-party call gets patched in, and someone asks, “Dad, what’s the difference between natural gas and regular gas?” and then…
NewsSkunk has doubts the Tapes are real. If they existed, CNN and MSNBC surely would have provided 24X7 coverage by now.
