Chief Watumi Esimokmi, mayor of the small fishing town Albertaville, Alaska, traveled by dog sled, snowmobile, boat, and seaplane to arrive in Anchorage, Alaska, to address scientists and funding sources gathered at the invitation-only ClimateChange 2020 conference. Esimokmi is the only English-speaking member of his tribe. His presentation was highly anticipated by the scientists who were eager to hear firsthand how climate change affects one of the most remote, non-industrialized places on Earth. Conference organizers invited Esimokmi to speak after reading about him in the Fairbanks Register, a story that elevated him to local folk-hero status.
Esimokmi was one of the last speakers slated on the first day of the conference. He was preceded by a diverse group of speakers from four different continents who presented varying forms of evidence proving the existence of man-made global warming. The speeches met with universal approval, even though most of the audience had trouble understanding the words due to the echoing in the chamber and the jeering from the uninvited climate-change-denying climatologists marching outside in sub-zero weather.
After being introduced, Esimokmi graciously thanked everyone involved for the invitation. He said he felt like a humble man among some of the most intelligent minds on Earth. “You know much about man-made global warming,” he said and then smiled. The scientists smiled back.
Esimokmi told the crowd that his tribe was so grateful for the scientists’ work that his town had authorized him to present the scientists a grant. Now the scientists were really smiling as there is nothing they appreciate more than a grant.
Esimokmi waited several minutes for the standing ovation to finish before saying, “Albertaville is small town. We only have 1,200 peoples, but spread over 1,000 square miles… It is friggin’ cold where we live. So, my tribe donate to you…. ten square miles of property… We want you warm it up.” The scientists stopped smiling.
Esimokmi went on to say, “I am simple man. We a simple people. But you tell me other men warming up entire world. We only ask you warm up a few square miles. We are freezing our asses off all the time. So, please, please, bring man-made global warming technology to Albertaville.”
The crowd sat stunned, not knowing whether this was an earnest, impossible request or a put-on arranged by the protesting climate-change deniers outside. An awkward silence ensued.
Chuck Little, Climate Change: 2020’s emcee, looked like a caribou-in-the-headlights. He finally ran over to the microphone, nudged Esimokmi out-of-the-way, and asked the crowd to thank him again for the grant. He then deviated from the printed agenda by speaking off-the-cuff for fifteen minutes about the merits of grants.
According to a NewsSkunk spy pretending to be a Swedish scientist, Esimokmi’s presentation was the most discussed topic at the evening cocktail party. Derisive laughter was heard from all corners of the ballroom. Based on comments from two dozen scientists, some thought the presentation was a hoax; the majority thought it was a sincere request from a naïve Eskimo who thought it was possible for Man to change the climate in a few square miles without first changing the climate of the entire atmosphere.
