Self-esteem was high yesterday as Liberalville honored its sports teams with a ticker-tape parade down Government Highway, complete with athletes, marching bands, cheerleaders, and Mayor Assisi at the reviewing station.
Most cities only host sports team parades after their team wins a championship. But in Liberalville, participation is rewarded, not achievement, so Mayor Assisi invented the Participation Parade as a covert political public relations opportunity. Local basketball, baseball, football, hockey, chess, and miscellaneous sports teams – both male and female – get to bask in glory and waive at crowds as their parade floats drift by while nearly two tons of confetti (shredded, losing lottery tickets) flutter down from the top of the Veterans of Social Programs Building.
The parade was moving along splendidly until vendors holding black-and-white striped bags began handing out Participation Parade Attendance medals to children in the crowd. While most juveniles became excited about earning another medal to add to their collections at home, some parents did not want their youngsters to feel rewarded for something as inane as attending a parade.
Tensions ran higher when some children, but not others, were awarded Participation Parade Attendance All-Star medals. Parents of non-All-Stars immediately began complaining vehemently to the vendors that their suddenly temper-tantrum-throwing child was just as deserving of an All-Star medal as any other child. The vendors promised to return with more All-Star medals. The children cheered.
Not wanting to disappoint children, and responding to customer demand, the vendors came back with bags full of Participation Parade Attendance All-Star medals – available for $10 each. This created even greater tension between children and parents. Some parents caved immediately and bought medals, others refused and attempted reasoned discussions with their children before caving, and some momentarily endured the tantrums.
A few minutes later, the vendors announced that they would be handing out free Participation Parade Attendance All-Star medals at kiosks located a block away. Soon parents and children left the Participation Parade in droves to stand in lines hundreds deep to get free Parade Attendance All-Star medals for their demanding children. When they finally got close to the front, signs stated that for children to qualify to receive a free All-Star medal, their parents would have to be wearing a “Proud Parent of a Participation Parade Attendance All-Star” t-shirt. These shirts retailed for $15.
For many fathers, this was the breaking point. They argued with their wives while their children cried. Eventually, there was a sea of proud fathers wearing white shirts with black sleeves. Esteem prevailed.
Just when the commotion settled down, blaring megaphones announced that new kiosks were opening and selling, for a limited time, five Participation Parade Attendance medals for $5. Well, no child sporting only one award medal ribbon wanted to be in the company of other children sporting five or more. A new series of tantrums, arguments, and sales of esteem-building bling ensued.
Meanwhile, back at the reviewing stand, Mayor Assisi was left in the unenviable position of explaining to the athletes that the parade attendees abandoned the Participation Parade in pursuit of their own participation awards. The Mayor reluctantly read his prepared speech on the importance of participation and attendance to a minuscule crowd; meanwhile, long lines of former parade attendees were visible behind him in the background. Then a drone flew overhead pulling a smiling NewsSkunk logo.
