A NewsSkunk informant embedded in a prominent Democrat politician’s office has learned that select politicians, whom he would not name, are in the process of forming a new faction within the party to be known simply as “Pro-Violence Democrats.”
According to overheard conversations and group chat text messages, many Democrats feel the public is being confused by the various labels assigned to them, some of which include progressive, socialist, democratic-socialist, communist, anarchist, Neroists, etc. The various participants agreed they wanted to choose one description they all had in common. While they all have different political ideologies, the one thing they found they all had in common is that their policies increase violence.
To avoid further confusion, the working group decided that a policy platform was necessary, and members seeking to identify themselves as “Pro-Violence Democrats” would have to pledge to push a pro-violence agenda. A rough draft was circulated that includes the following policies:
- Early release of prisoners into communities or closing jails entirely
- Not prosecuting the majority of cases referred by police investigators
- Free bail for those arrested
- Funding – free syringes for drug users
- Defunding – police
- Making illegal drugs legal
- Protecting rioters and looters; not protecting pro-police rallies
- Gun control (on law-abiding citizens)
- Ending the deportation of violent, illegal aliens
- And multiple other violence-incentivizing policies too numerous to list
Some members complained that this list looked like it was plagiarized from Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez; others said it looked plagiarized from Senator Bernie Sanders’ platform or various offshoots of Antifa and Marxists. A somewhat jealous member believed to be associated with the Joe Biden campaign wrote that if the list was plagiarized, the plagiarist was probably Joe Biden.
The group generally agreed that most Democrat politicians would want the “Pro-Violence” stamp of approval when appealing to its donors. This popularity created the prospect of charging lucrative membership fees. Realizing this, the group authorized its lawyers to file a “Pro-Violence Democrat®” trademark application to prevent Democrats from using the term for free and Republicans from using the name in attack ads.
The group’s lawyer suggested forming a for-profit entity with a non-profit subsidiary. This structure would enable founding members to receive lucrative advisory board compensation and have private plane travel expenses paid by the for-profit entity, while the non-profit vessel would make it easier to shake down corporations for donations. The lawyer said this model works spectacularly for an anti-racism group he represents. The motion passed.
The conversation turned to membership and membership fees. One group member felt the Pro-Violence policy list was “too generic,” questioning if any Democrats would not qualify, thus diluting membership value. Another proposed that, in the name of unity, appeasing RINOs (Republicans-in-Name-Only) be offered membership. Someone interrupted, calling that “a stupid idea” and recommended the proposing member be canceled. Some attendees agreed, and she was deleted instantly from the Zoom call.
It was at this point that the president of a public relations firm that was pitching for the group’s business spoke. He cautioned the attendees that there “were still extremists out there who are anti-violence.” He said that Republicans would likely run attack ads using video footage of looting, arson, statue decapitations, lawlessness, and interviews with mothers crying about their murdered babies. He indicated that his firm had “pull” with social media giants whom he could get to censor and cancel dissenting opinion and suppress inconvenient facts. The group broke into applause.
The meeting ended with one member charged with getting Joe Biden to commit to “taking 100,000 cops off the streets.” For the best chance of success, calling him later than 7:00 PM was suggested and thanking him for his prior approval.
